Forgiving What You Can't Forget
All our lives we’re taught to forgive those who hurt us, but forgiving something as insidious as incest and sexual abuse can be overwhelming. Some will say it’s not necessary to forgive in order to heal. And while acknowledging that each person has to find her own path toward healing, Pat encourages the listener to work toward forgiveness. This becomes possible once the victim understands that the main beneficiary of forgiveness is the victim herself, and as she learns a new way to define what it means to forgive.
“Forgiveness, especially for victims of incest, is very much a chicken-and-egg issue. I believe you have to do a certain amount of healing before you can even consider forgiving your abuser. But once you do, the process of forgiving itself brings about a quantum leap in the healing process.”
The Walking Wounded:
Living Life Halfway as a Survivor of Incest
"Things Like This Don't Work For People Like Me."
It’s not uncommon for incest survivors to feel as though some sort of curse had been put on their lives from the moment they were born. Too often we live life halfway in order to avoid dealing with the disappointments and failures that other people bounce back from but can literally crush a survivor. We all have a tendency to try to explain the things that happen in our lives, and in this speech, Pat reveals how the explanatory style of a victim can be changed to foster a more positive approach to life.
“When I first understood how my explanatory style was keeping me a victim, I put a rubber band on my wrist and flicked it every time I caught myself engaging in this negative, destructive self-talk. It sounds sort of masochistic; but the stings on my wrist were a big improvement over the stings I’d been experiencing in my head and heart. They went away a lot faster, too.”
“I Believe in God and.........?”
Every single one of us carry around a set of beliefs that were planted in us by all kinds of people and situations and most of us don’t even know we have them. If your life is being shaped by the beliefs you carry around, shouldn’t they at least be beliefs of your own choosing?
Be prepared to do some serious self-examination as Pat helps you dig down to discover the beliefs you’re carrying around. Then, once your bag of beliefs is full, decide which ones you’ll discard and which ones you’ll keep.
“When I first realized I was carrying around a belief that good things just didn’t ( and wouldn’t) happen for me, a friend asked me what it would take for me to believe differently. I told her I needed evidence. What I discovered was not only that I could create my own evidence, but that believing I could was the first step.”
The Paper Will Never Be Blank Again
Recovering from the trauma of incest can often take years of hard work. While it’s never a good idea to hold onto our victimization, it is possible to honor the experience and appreciate the deeply spiritual and courageous person that resides inside every survivor of incest.
“For years, my family wished that I would get to the point where I could act like it (the incest) had never happened. I know they wanted that for me, but they also wanted it for themselves. But, to act as though it never happened would be a form of denial. It happened; it wasn’t my fault. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but I can appreciate the depth of the woman I’ve become as a result of the healing work I’ve done. It’s possible, now, for me to honor the experience without experiencing the pain. It takes a lot of work, but I promise you, you have everything you need in order to experience more joy and more happiness than the Cinderella’s of the world that you now envy.”
I’m Just Pat. Who Are You?
It’s all too easy in our culture of pop psychology, to grab on to labels that tell the world what’s wrong with us and spend the rest of our lives wearing those labels like thorny crowns. Pat talks about what the word “victim” meant to her, and how even being a ”survivor” kept her stuck in her healing process. Be prepared to discover how you’re naming yourself and what name you can choose for your future.
“When I first realized I’d been a victim, it was the first step in my healing process. It lifted a huge burden off me and gave me the power I needed to put the full force of blame and anger squarely where it belonged - on my father. Eventually, though, even the word ‘Survivor’ didn’t reflect all the progress I’d made. After all, you can survive a hurricane, but your house will still be in shambles.”
